More goodbyes.....more tears...

Well, today I am very down.  Yesterday, I had to make the very tough decision to put one of our dogs down.  Molly has been with me for 8 years.  She was another doxie that I rescued from a puppy mill up in Woodland Park.  She was 5 when we got her and she was so shy.  One of the first days we had her at home, Tiana and I couldn't find her.  We thought she had gotten out, we looked all through the house, I drove around the neighborhood several times, we walked around the neighborhood.  We were devastated, Tiana and I cried.  Well later that night we were sitting on our couch and we heard this horrible howl.  It was a sickening cry that we would soon learn was Molly's "I am all alone" cry.  She was underneath our sectional couch, hiding.  It was one of many times that she disappeared but soon we realized that she hid when she was scared and would come out on her own when she was ready.  Molly was my baby, she was the sweetest dog.  She lost all her teeth (because they were so rotten when we got her), she was partially deaf but she was my baby.  She would follow me everywhere, she was my shadow.  She was always there when I turned around.  She has been through 4 moves with me and many sleepless nights.  She slept with me until I married Wil and she always had to be touching you. She always wagged her tail when she saw me.  Last year she had what we think was a stroke.  She lost the use of her back legs and she worked hard to come back from that.  She got almost all of the use of her legs back but she still wobbled a bit.  It was funny because she would start to run and forget that her back legs didn't work quite right and all of the sudden she would go head over heals in an awkward way.  This last move was the best for her.  She loved our land.  She would wander the whole 2 acres and she would run at times like she was a puppy even though she was almost 13 (which is very old for a doxie).  What was interesting is she learned on her own what the boundaries of our property was.  We don't have a fence and yet she would rarely go off the property.  Even when chasing wildlife, usually she would stop at the property line.  She would sit in our front window and watch the birds and bark at people walking past our house.  She would see Wil's car drive in and she would get excited and howl "He's home".  She was awesome.  Well 3 days ago, she started vomiting.  Her stomach is pretty sensitive so since we had been outside so much, I figured she ate too much grass or something, then 2 days ago, she threw up some rocks.  My thoughts, oh that's not good but then I thought maybe she would feel better, but she didn't.  By the end of that day, she was listless and still just a sick girl.  I even think Lizzy (my other doxie) knew because when I would leave the couch, Lizzy would get up walk around me and whine as if she was saying "don't leave her, she's not right". That night I hugged her as I put her in the kennel and prayed she would make it to the next morning.  I guess Tiana came up later that night and laid with her a bit.  So yesterday I called the vet.  After I made the appt, she threw up some more rocks and at that point I knew things were bad.  The appt was for 3:15 but at noon the vet called and asked if we could come in earlier because they were concerned.  So I took her in and they had me drop her off for x-rays.  They said it would be 45 minutes but in about 20 they called me to come back.  Well, the xrays were pretty impressive.  Molly's whole stomach was full of rocks including 4 or 5 that were in her intestines.  She has never eaten rocks before so why she did this, I don't know why she did this but she did.  The vet said there were way to many to make her throw up so there were two options, surgery and putting her down.  The surgery option came with some issues.  Molly has a heart murmur and when they took the xrays, they could see that her heart was enlarge which means heart disease which is not good for anesthesia.  Then there is the past history of stroke, her age and other risk factors.  The vet was willing to try but it was likely that she might not survive the surgery or recover, so I made the best choice I could.  It was so hard, I don't give up easily on my pets, and I will spend money I don't have on them but it just didn't make sense.  So we put her down, I held her in my arms and told her what an awesome dog she was and watched her slip away.

Well this morning, Simba and Lizzy are unusually whiny.  Simba has been meowing all morning until just recently and Lizzy walks around looking for Molly and whining and it makes me sad.  Then I went to the doctor and waited an hour because she was delivering a baby and then had her rush me around so I got nowhere and it has just gone down hill from there.  It is what it is but I am emotionally exhausted and just want to lay in my bed for a week and cry.  I guess, luckily or not, it is a good thing that I have the girls to keep me up and about.

There is a hole in my heart and as I sit here on the couch, I feel very alone.  She was my baby girl and I will miss her dearly.  RIP Molly!

The transition begins....

Well, what happens after your husband leaves?  Well, there are tears for obvious reasons but there is also laughter.  Laughter?  Really?  Yes, Thursday night as I sulked into the bedroom to cry myself to sleep what do I see.  Wil's clothes, on the floor, where he took them off to take a shower before leaving.  I laughed...did he think I was going to leave them there for 9 months?  Ha ha..not a chance, but it still struck me as odd.  I have had a couple other chuckles as I see his mini stacks of paperwork laying around the house or empty Timmies coffee cups in the garage.  If I hadn't watched him leave...I would have thought the rapture had happened and I stayed behind because it was like he disappeared and left everything as it was.  Well I hope he isn't too disappointed that the stuff isn't where he left it. 

On Friday the girls went to a youth rally in Ottawa with their youth group and had a blast.  I guess there were 800 kids at a school doing workshops and praising God.  I hadn't really asked them if they wanted to go.  When I heard about it, I just told them they were going.  I knew they would have fun and I knew it would be a great experience and I think it was.  While they were gone...I did nothing.  There was so much to be done but I was emotionally exhausted and so I did nothing.  I watched PVR, movies and sat on the computer.  I made Palm Butter (African food) and stuffed myself and did nothing.  I felt very guilty all day but kind of forced myself to just sit.  It isn't a luxury I get very often so I figured I should take it while it presented itself.

On Saturday we decided to go into a nearby area and go shopping.  Tiana wanted to dye her hair and then we were just going to do this and that.  Well as we were looking for dye for Tiana, I decided to get some for me.  I haven't colored my hair since I left Colorado and although the fact that some of it is coming in silver...not gray...silver and it is really pretty, it was time for a change so why not?  So I did.  We then went across the street to Walmart and holy moly..it was crazy.  Friday all the stores were closed and Sunday all the stores would be closed so Saturday EVERYONE was in the store.  The lines were nuts and people were EVERYWHERE.  We very quickly decided to head back to our sleepy little town and shop another day.  So we came back and dyed our hair.  The crazy red head is back.  It is a little more orange than I am used to but it is fun.

So today was Easter...very bittersweet.  Easter was the first holiday I spent without my dad and now the first holiday to spend without Wil.  Easter is usually my day to host the meal for my family and friends and with no family or close friends, I didn't prepare a meal.  The girls asked for spaghetti so that is what we had.  It just didn't seem right.  We had brunch at the church and then then I forced the girls to join me for church.  Then we came home.  It was a beautiful sunny day for a change, no rain so I decided to work on some projects that didn't quite get done before Wil left.  The first was the gazebo.  We bought a hexagon gazebo but we have a lot of wind so we were worried about just putting it up, especially with the mess that happened with the canvas garage last week.  So Wil decided that we would screw it into some concrete patio stones.  But his drill wasn't drilling the holes quick enough so me and my big mouth said "honey, don't worry about it, I'll finish it."  OK, not that I can't do it but like I need one more thing to do.  Anyways, he said to just go buy a hamper drill and then it should go quickly.  Well, hammer drills are super expensive and I just couldn't fork the money over for one project so I called a friend for advice and was told "why don't you rent one?"  So I did.  Well,  I don't know what the big deal is about a hammer drill, it sure didn't seem to work any easier and man it wore me out but all 8 holes are drilled in the concrete.  So then it was move the partially erected frame out to the back yard and finish putting it together.  So it is done, except that I ran out of screws so I will pick up 2 more tomorrow and finish it.  I didn't put the canvas on it...I am going to wait a bit and hopefully the spring wind will die down a bit. 

Next, I started on the new "shed".  Since the wind had its way with our canvas garage that housed our lawn tractor and gorilla cart and dirt bike, Wil had to figure out what to do.  The frame was bent and could have been fixed but would it stand up, and would it be solid or would I be fighting with it while he was gone.  So I suggested him just framing in under the deck.  At first he didn't want to do that but at some point he changed his mind so 2 days before he left he started working on it and completed it the day before he left on a day that was cold and rained all day.  But it is done and very nice.  Due to the rain and short time left, it needed to be painted or water sealed.  I like the look of wood so for now I decided to water seal it.  It would probably look better painted to match the deck but for now I will see the wood.  So that was my next project, I started to water seal it.  I got one side done and then it was dinner time so I hope to finish it tomorrow.  He did a nice job and it will be handy to have!

Wil is in Montana today so he will probably be in Victoria tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest.  So far, he has had a good trip, some bad weather but clear roads.  I wish I could see the look on his face when he sees his ship.  I know he will have a big smile and hopefully a sense of pride for his new adventure in life.

My mom is out of the hospital, she will be on IV antibiotics for several weeks and then we will see what happens from there.  It certainly has been a dramatic last several weeks and I am hoping that it will settle down a bit.

I will close with my favorite Easter song.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMHyGh0RgCA  I remember seeing these guys in concert at a church in Denver with a friend of mine and when I heard this song, I got chills.  Well it still gives me chills.  Our pastor today was stating that for every other religion, you can go visit the tomb of the "leader/God" of that religion except Christianity.  I guess I knew that but it is one of those simple truths that seems to get glossed over.  Enjoy the video and remember....CHRIST IS RISEN!

And God speaks in the midst of tears...

this is on the cooler

Well, it finally happened.  Wil drove away a couple minutes ago.  It is so surreal.  It doesn't really feel different yet, but I know in my heart it is.  I have been pretty ok, for the last week with occasional bouts of sadness that I have hidden pretty well.  Even last night as we went out to eat, I was ok.  But this morning as I woke up realizing that I would not be waking up next to him for a long time, I was overwhelmed.  I snuggled up next to him and realized that is my very favorite place in the world.  It is where I feel the most loved and where I feel the most safe.  I will miss so much but the support and backbone that he is for me will be missed the most. 

So, I woke up crying and knew today was going to be hard.  Before the girls went to school, we gave Wil a going away present.  I bought him a Montreal Canadiens cooler and we put some goodies in it.  Things to help him on his trip and things to remember us by.  Tiana even wrote up a wonderful funny and witty list to go in it with some pictures.  It made Wil a little misty (which made Tiana proud). 

Then the goodbyes began.  Wil took Tabitha to school and then I took Tiana to school.  As Tiana got out of the car she turned and said, "Don't cry too much" and she smiled.  Wow, she knows me well.  I nodded and started the drive home.  I usually listen to my ipod in the car but I enjoy the Christian radio station here in the morning sometimes and that is what I had on today.  As I am driving, I am a little teary but pretty ok until this song came on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13yY9sXFKB8.  A little background, Desperation Band is from New Life Church in Colorado Springs and I have heard them sing this song several times but before we left Colorado I went to a benefit concert for a gentleman that died in the Haiti earthquake and the Desperation Band sang this song.  It really hit me that night and it has been very important to me in the last year.  The simplicity of the song is so awesome but my favorite line most of the time is:  just enough strength to live for today.  That is what I am trying to focus on....just enough strength to live for today and then I'm counting on God for the rest.  So as the tears are flowing freely, I was overcome with the awe of God.  He knew I needed to hear that song at that moment and so he had a Canadian radio station play a song by a Colorado Springs band at the specific time that I needed.  OK, yes I realize he is even more powerful than that but even in the little things I am blessed.  I am telling you I need to find something to do with music..it is too big a part of my life!

Anyways, Wil is going to be driving across the United States over the next week so please keep him in your prayers.  An uneventful, quick trip would be great!

So as Wil is trekking across the county, we will get on with Easter.  Easter is a very bittersweet holiday for me.  It is a fantastic holiday but it always reminds me of my dad.  The first holiday without him was Easter and we always said that was appropriate because he would love being in Heaven for that holiday but that is what I remember now.  Now add Wil being gone and family being far away and it will be a bit sad.  The girls are off school for Easter break and they are attending a youth rally in Ottawa tomorrow with their youth group.  So we will go to Good Friday service then they will leave and then I will have some alone time.  I think I will make some African food to console myself!   Then we shall see what unfolds for the weekend.  There is brunch at church so we will go to that then to service and then there will be an Easter Egg hunt.  Still haven't decided what we are doing for dinner.

On another note, my mom has been in the hospital with a blood infection.  It has been a long and stressful week but she is home now.  She is on daily IV antibiotics and has some recovery to do but she is glad to be home.

It's the final countdown!

WOW!  I can't believe how long it has been since I updated this.  It has been a bit crazy here and for my family.  We had a birth, an engagement, a heart attack and my mom is in the hospital.  Not to mention the rest of regular life.  So here is the update.

Well here we go....4 days.  I have 4 days left with my husband before he leaves for an unknown amount of time.  There really isn't anything more to say than that.  We don't know any more at this point so there isn't any update there.  I am just praying right now that he has a safe, uneventful trip across country and that he will be busy once there.  He really doesn't want to be away from family and just sitting around.  He has been busy clearing off my honey do before you leave list and will finish up the last couple things this week.  He has even added a couple.  We bought a gazebo for the back yard so he has been putting that up and he built me a ground feeder for my birds.  This week he will also have to pack up the Volvo and figure out what he is taking and what he is leaving.  Then off he goes. 

My niece had a baby...a beautiful baby girl named Brenna (I like the name).  This is the second grand child for my sister Robin and the whole family is doing well.  Congratulations Ben and Katie and big sister, Ella.

We also had an engagement.  Another niece, Annie got engaged to a wonderful young man named Garrett.  They have been dating for quite awhile and we have enjoyed getting to know this young cadet.  What is super exciting is it looks like they will get married at the USAFA chapel next June after Garrett graduates.  Another military man in the family.  Because of this, I have decided to skip my trip to Colorado this summer and save the money so that Tiana, Tabitha and I can go to the wedding next summer.  I am really bummed out because I was looking forward to getting back but it was my idea and I think it is for the best. 

My uncle had a heart attack.  This is my dads brother...healthy, no previous attacks.  It was a doozy and I guess he is lucky to be alive.  We are extremely thankful to God for leaving him with us for awhile longer.

I will try to keep the update on my mom short.  It is a fairly long story so if you want more details, let me know.  Basically she is in the hospital and the diagnosis is blood infection.  They have her on IV antibiotics and are in the process of checking her heart valve.  They don't want that valve to be infected.  She is very depressed and she hates hospitals so this is very hard on her.  I am in touch with her doctors and am trying to help handle the medical side from here.  This is the first time I have not been around for a hospitalization so it has been a large adjustment but I am doing what I can to help and just praying for the rest.

Tiana has started track.  They practice after school and she has here first track meet on Tuesday.  Wil built her a hurdle so she can try to learn how to jump hurdles.  She is enjoying the physical activity.  She has also started taking a dance class called Belly Fit Vibe.  It is a cross between Belly Dancing and Hip Hop.  She is really enjoying it.  Because I am not going to Colorado, Tiana will have to travel back to me on her own.  This will be her first plane trip by herself and unfortunately there are no direct flights so she will have to make a connection somewhere.  I am going to try for a smaller airport but I know she is nervous.  She has traveled pretty extensively so I am confident she can do it with no problem but it is still a little scary for her.  I guess it had to happen sometime.

Tabitha is still practicing for the musical/drama performance at school that will be the end of May.  I can't wait to see it since they have been working on it for the whole school year.  I have heard bits and pieces about it and one of the things I have heard is that it has a lot to do with the 80's so I will be interest to see their interpretation of an era I lived through.

Both girls are going to youth rally in Ottawa with their youth group this Friday so I am excited to hear how that goes.

Last weekend, we had Wil's friends come visit us from Montreal.  That was nice...they even surprised us by telling us that they are moving to Ottawa.  Bob and Vica and Wil have been friends for a very long time so I know when he gets back that he will enjoy having them closer.  Last night we had some friends that live in Kingston (about an hour away) come visit.  We had a BBQ, sat in the hot tub and just talked.  It was nice to see them again. Wil and I are going on one last date today for lunch and while we are gone the girls are going to dye some Easter eggs.  Let the egg wars begin!

I am itching to start planting but it is still pretty chilly.  We are definitely warming up because we are getting rain, rain and more rain but it is not the warm summer rain from last summer it is chilly so I will keep clearing the land of rocks to make it easier to mow and building my rock garden.  I am getting bids on getting some soil delivered and then I will be ready to plant when it warms up.

the planter Wil built me

I think that is it right now...I will update you at the end of this crazy, busy week.  My love to all.

Time is flying by..and so do my birds

16 days...the countdown continues to Wil's departure.  He has one week left of work and then he will be off for a week and a half working on my "please do this before you leave" honey do list.  Although, he has enjoyed his boss and some of the things that he has done in Quebec but I know he will not miss the getting up at 5am and driving for an hour and we will love the extra money in our bank account that we will save by him not making that drive.  Then he will leave on the 19th to drive across country to British Columbia to report to ship.  He still hasn't heard for sure where he is going or when he is leaving but the rumors are leaning towards Libya.  We shall see.

It looks like spring may have finally arrived in Ontario and I am itching to get outside.  I have several projects that I am ready to work on.  I have a garden area that I am going to edge with rock from our property.  We have lots of it, so yesterday I started harvesting rocks.  They are all over our property, we found them as we cleared last year.  It makes it impossible to use the lawn tractor on much of our property..so I figured last year that many people pay for rock...we should use it.  So I have an area that was going to be a flower garden and I thought I will outline it with the rock from our property, but as I dug for rocks yesterday I started thinking about an actual rock/crevice garden.  It would be lower maintenance for now but still be pretty.  I haven't totally decided yet but that is how I am leaning.  Then, Wil bought me a large raised cedar plantar that I am going to put in the back yard so that as I am at my kitchen window I can look out at it.  That will be my flower/herb garden.  I want to grow some fresh herbs and lots of flowers.  I have argued with myself about putting it where I can see it but really no one else will be able to see it, but it isn't like we have a ton of visitors so if I am going to put the work in, I want to be able to see it from the house.  Yesterday I planted some seeds so that when the plantar is ready I will have some plants to use.  I planted a bunch of pansies and some sunflowers.  The sunflowers won't go in the plantar but we have a lot of sun so I will have to find a nice spot for those.



3 Blue Jays at one of my feeders plus there is seed on the ground

 From my front window, I am enjoying watching my birds.  I have 2 bird feeders and I am really enjoying seeing what birds use it.  We have a lot of Blue Jays and they are the most spectacularly colorful birds.  They are beautiful.  I have also seen red-winged blackbirds, juncos, a cardinal, a  mourning dove, evening grosbeaks, grackles, sparrows and plenty of crows.  It is so fun to watch the different ways they feed the different ways they fly and how they interact.  I am hoping that many of them will nest in our cedars and we will have babies too.  When I let the dogs out or go outside for other things, I love listening to the different songs so now I will have to work on figuring out which call goes with which birds.  I hope to add at least one more feeder and a bird bath this year.  I just looked out and have my first squirrel...oh well, I am an equal opportunity feeder, I guess.  He is just eating what I put on the ground.



Pretty Cardinal


We don't have much planned for the next couple weeks, just getting loose ends tied up before Wil leaves,  We do have some of Wil's friends from Montreal coming next weekend so that will be fun.  Then we want to try to see a couple people before Wil leaves but time is getting short so we will see what happens.  Then I am on my own.

The girls are doing well, they are going to be attending a youth rally in Ottawa right before Easter.  Easter is a big holiday here so the girls have Friday and Monday off that weekend.  I don't have anything planned since Wil is going to be gone by then but I am planning an Easter Egg hunt for the girls....OUTSIDE!  We have 2 acres...should be fun!  Then it is on to planning my moms visit in May and the trip to Ohio in July.  I need to find a dog sitter for my trips, I don't want to have to kennel 2 dogs and a cat.  I still am looking for tickets to Colorado, they are pricey and I am on the fence as to just buying or waiting a bit.  I will focus on searching this next week.

That's all for now.  My love to all.