Finding what ails me?

Well, I haven't updated because I have been in a really low funk and I don't want to spread my sour mood. And I don't want it to seem like it is all bad because it definitely is not.  I received a card from a dear friend and it really struck home.  She said, "you have always had to work, now that you can put your feet up for a bit you don't know how to handle not having to keep your nose to the grindstone."  She really nailed it.  I feel very unproductive and useless and I lack purpose with not having a job.  The word depression has been ever present in my mind but I know it is situational so there has always been hope but yes, I am fighting hard against depression.  Some days I win, some days I don't but every day I try.  Anyways because of the card, I have started to try to refocus a bit. 

One thing that really hit me this week was there was a day that I went downstairs to work more on organizing things and I turned on the radio.  All of the sudden I found myself singing and be bopping around.  I hadn't done that in awhile.  So I asked what is different today....what I came up with is music.  I have always been very connected to music and lately I have been watching alot of movies and TV while doing things around the house.  I have said to many people that TV/computers suck the life out of people, well my life was being sucked.  So the first thing I am doing is turning off the TV and turning on the stereo and listening for inspiration and listening for fun again. 

So yesterday we went to Montreal to see some friends of Wil's.  It is about a 3 hour drive so I worked a bit on our budget...that is always depressing and then just decided to listen to music.  Here are the songs that hit me and this is the order they came in on random on my ipod:
Magnificent Obsession:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cel_O-qy0i0
   This was the first song that came on....just listen and hear the words...I don't need to explain anything...I needed a new focus.
Sheltering Trees:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYQ5oS1O-C0 (couldn't find a non cheesy video)
   I definitely have alot of sheltering trees, I just miss them so
When you Come Home: couldn't find a good you tube video but it is by Mark Shultz, there is an ok one with Billy Gilman singing but it is not the same- it made me think of a couple things.  One- I get to come home at some point and reunite with family...that will be fun and two- my home is not on this earth I need to focus on the right things.
Red Letters:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCrVwNfbxIM
  Such a simple and powerful song...the strength and power I need is out there just not in where I am looking
God is Good:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdClvbdhTpc
  I have always believed this, well time to practice what I preach.  If He is good all the time then why am I so bummed out?  Satan is alive and well isn't he..  GRRRR!
Pray for Me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFP8dtCWYAw
  'nuff said
If I Know You:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saz4uMB2KGo
  I am not sure why this one came towards the end of the trip but it was a song that I used many, many times when I was a single parent and feeling like I wasn't going to make it through a day.  I wore out this CD.  Now as I write I am thinking...what a great reminder of days gone by that were long and depressing but as I look back they were also fantastic and life shaping....so again I need to refocus and realize that this is a short period of time and I am going through it for a reason...hmmm...thanks for the help on that one.

There were other songs last night but those were the standouts.  I am not out of the depression woods yet and will fight it for awhile I am sure but hopefully I am on a better track than I was....climbing the hill not sliding down the slope.

Today we are going to go look at a chocolate lab.  Wil was looking for power tools and an ad came up for a 4 year old chocolate lab.  I yelled (jokingly) at him for forwarding it to me.  I have wanted a bigger dog but I get nervous that it is going to be too much for me.  I love my doxies but they can't go walking with me and give me a good work out and I would like to get out and walk around a bit and I would like a companion but am I ready for a 3rd dog and a big one...I don't know.  I have emailed back and forth with the owner and the dog seems like it would be a great fit but I am on the fence.  We will not bring the dog home today, at least that is my plan.  We shall see.

Tomorrow, I am not sure what we are going to do.  There is a fair in the next town over so we may go over there...we will see. It is the girls last day of summer so we will see what they want to do and then school starts on Tuesday.  YAY!  Their first day of high school!  We made it, now can we make it 4 more years?  LOL!

More later.  My love to all!  Below are pics- a blurry one of Wil and I going out for my birthday and one of the two girls and their friend going to a semi formal dance. Oh I forgot to tell you about my birthday so I will do another blog just for that in the next day or two.
Brenda